Yesterday was one of those days, a day when grief weighed my spirit, so I hibernated from the world and leaned on my husband and faith to get me through the day.
Five years ago yesterday I heard words I've never heard before or since. It was five years ago that, during an appointment to investigate sharp abdominal pain, my Dr. told me that I was pregnant. Five years ago, on the same day I learned I was pregnant, I lost my child. The Cliff's Notes version is that I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured, very nearly killing me in the process. (There is a bit more detail here.) It is only by the grace of God, and timely medical intervention, that I am here today. For that, I am, as one would expect, thankful. But there are days when I feel it is both appropriate and cathartic to allow myself to grieve for the child I lost. Oh, how I wish things could have been different! I don't grieve for "a child", but I grieve for that child - the one I lost. While I don't understand the 'why', I thank the Lord that he has worked in my heart, and I can fully say "Thy will be done". As I pass this anniversary, though my heart hurts, I celebrate that for 5-7 weeks I was the Mother to a little soul who never got to breathe the air of this world, but who waits for me with my Heavenly Father and who someday I will meet. What a day that will be!
To those who, like me, lost a little one before you could hold him or her in your arms. I share your pain. I am one of you.